I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
