oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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