the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
