he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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