Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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