why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
