no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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