she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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