When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
