Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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