I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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