She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
