If i could tip my vagina, i would.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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