with your own penis?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
