I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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