we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
