cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
