if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
