laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
