You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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