He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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