Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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