Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It's just like the Real World with babies
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
