I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
