Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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