so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
