Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
zippers are such a cool invention
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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