Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
