wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
