dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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