If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
