My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
