i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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