I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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