My hand turned me down
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i think i have herpe
just one?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We have started to decorate penises.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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