The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
