I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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