I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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