can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
