Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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