Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm too high and old for this...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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