I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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