If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
