After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
