Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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