I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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