alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My vagina is officially offended.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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