Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
