Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
NoShamevember. You game?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
