I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
