I CAN MOONWALK!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
