What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
