HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
