please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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